Haven't really typed anything for a long time so I might as well spill out all my troubles

I don't know how but so far I can only see Jagjit and Ain coming to my blog like last year..

Since so little people ever visits my blog I might as well typed down whatever thoughts that is in my head right now as I type. Not because I am bored but because I have something I need to let it out.

Why do I need to let it out?

That's because emotions are like gas in bottles. At normal times it doesn't feel as though anything is there but as I ignore it, the bottle just feels somewhat heavier and if I leave it long enough IT IS BOUND TO EXPLODE. I've felt that effect before, bottling up all my emotions until I couldn't handle it. I ended up hurting other people for no good reason and before I knew it, I also hurt myself.

So what kind of emotion am I going to let out today? Regrets..

So there was this girl I used to like in primary school. It was so long ago and I thought I have let it go already but it didn't just disappear like that. Back in Secondary school while I was still in Hong Kah she was in a school near mine. I still remember every time I'd purposely go home early hoping she'd take the same bus as me just just so that I can see her face. I remember praying hard that I'd be able to talk to her and still try to grow the relationship. It was very difficult because we live in a different world.

Back then my entire world is all about Games and Comics. Now even though I have stepped even further than just Games and Comics I still see her name in my head. I don't even know what her world consist of.

Lately I've been thinking about her and whenever I brushed that thought aside it just keeps coming back. I still love her, I still want us to be together but I also know at the same time it is impossible. I've blurted out way too many stupid and mushy things to her that even if I were to be in her shoe, I'd think I am a weirdo. So what do you do to weirdos? You avoid them. Simple as that and that is exactly what she tried to do. I still didn't know why she still accepted my friend request on Facebook when I've added her the third time. And yet again I blurted stupid stuff..

I still remember what I said: "I love you, I want to see you but it hurts me every time I think about the possibility of us getting along together. It hurts me to see something that I want but not get it. I wish I can be with you, I wish I can see you but I hope we don't see each other again" and there I unfriend her.

Here I am wishing I'd never say that because I want to see her face again but I'd sound like a sick man. Abnormal.

It sounds as though I want to see her Facebook like some stalker, knowing all about her private life even though I was supposed to leave it alone. I know it's unhealthy and believe me, I even went as far as to try and create a fake account just so that I can add her again under a disguise.

People asked me why I liked her so much, there were many fishes in the sea..

I'd say: "I don't know"

Why? Must there be a reason why you love somebody? Does a father love a child because he's cute? He's brilliant? No, he loves his child no matter what kind of person he may be.

I really wish that me and her can be together, I can only wish we can be together. It's just next to impossible.

Right now I am trying to break away from all those thoughts, it's a very difficult process and really I wish I can see the solution.

If I had a prayer to make, I'd ask God to forgive me for trying to substitute my love for her with something even more unhealthy just so that I can somehow be satiated. I'd ask God to help me forget about this girl even though she was one of the factor of how I wanted to be a Christian in the first place. I'd also ask God if she was really the one for me, He'd ignore my previous prayer and instruct me on how I can atone for all the mess I've made

It's been such a long time since the last update, I am really sorry for those who've viewed my blog and didn't see any update. I've got two reasons:

-I was too busy at work and by the time I came back, I got really tired and have no mood to play (let alone updating this blog)
-Busy with CNY stuffs

To make up for it, I've decided to give one big shot at updating!



My computer just acted weird 2 days ago, my screen was full of itty bitty bits of yellow squares. I've only managed to get it running up until the booting stage where you could see the symbol of Windows XP and Windows 7. Right after I log-in and then the welcome screen, I was greeted with the dreaded BSOD [Blue Screen Of Death]. For those of you who do not know what it is, check wikipedia.

Since I am seeing weird things on my screen, I've got a few hypothesis:

-My graphic card got over-stressed and broke itself in the process
-Driver problems [Software related]
-Viruses [Who knows?]

So today, I took my time trying to fix my computer. First I knew it's graphic related, so I have to make sure my computer is not running at a "graphic intensive" windows xp or windows 7. I ran safe mode, and managed to evade the BSOD on both firmware. I could load youtube well and any other flash files, and the bits of yellow box would disappear all of the sudden (Quite strange IMHO). Of course in Safe mode, there wouldn't be any sound so I expected no sound from youtube or other flash programs.

Since my computer could run properly on safe mode, I've started experimenting with it. I looked up for solutions online and what the error on my BSOD states. Somewhere aklong the way, someone said "reinstall the driver, it helps". So I gave it a shot. Uninstalled my driver, and voila! my original windows xp OS is fully functional, but with choppy framerates. I attempted to update my driver on the original windows xp OS that has no bits of box and restarted my com, and the same problem happened again. So that means I have to live with choppy framerates. I did the same thing and uninstalled the driver without reinstalling the driver.

That means I managed to somewhat fixed my computer however it's still not completely fixed. I've came to a conclusion that 1. Some files in my OS may be corrupted and may have prevented the drivers from functioning properly or 2. My monitor/graphic card is broken.

I didn't bother running an antivirus program because the likelihood is low, I knew what I am downloading and made sure everything that I have are not viruses. Neither did I bother with changing the graphic card or monitor because I am getting a new computer soon.

Just my luck, and I've quit my work just recently so that I could focus on using the computer to learn A-maths or figure out some programming things I might learn in my Poly course.



Well it's a good thing I still have my PSP, my book, my bible and my poly stuff to deal with, otherwise I'd be bored...

You saw that book there? That's World War Z, it's a good read really. I enjoyed it because I've always imagined how awesome it would be like for the world to be in zombie apocalypse (Talk about resident evil IRL!). Other than the stories there, it did taught me some survival skills like [When its freezing, you shouldn't drink too much water or you will lose heat and be prone to hypothermia, how is a good fortress against melee attackers like (high walls and stuff)]. Yeah I recommend this book to those who are completely nuts about zombie apocalypse or just wanna see some ass kicking!



Right after I got my PSP, I thought I could play all sorts of game everywhere I go, until I've realized mine is un-hackable. No pirated games and stuck with a crappy Capcom Classic Collection choked full of old arcade games[Seriously don't buy that crap] So I got tired of waiting for the hackers and ended up buying Final Fantasy and FF tactics at a second hand store for $50 in total. Halfway through, I raged quit because FF Tactics battle is really long. So I've decided to buy my latest game Soul Calibur. I've got hooked to that game ever since simply because it kick ass.

tldr; My computer screwed up right after I left my work, managed to somewhat fix it. Spent time reading books and bible, playing the psp, and dealing with my enrolment stuff.

It's been a long time ever since I've left my secondary school life. I was so sick of it at first, the bad company I've met, the dissing, the backstabbing. Throughout all this I've managed to find joy when talking and joking around with friends, have fun being a clown with them, prancing around like a troll making fun of each other's weaknesses..

I thought I am gonna leave the school leaving every memory behind, looks like only the good memory will forever stay etched in my head and the bad dispersed...

I missed the good ol' times...

Yesterday has been a sucky day for me.. Why do I say so? That's because I've just broke my friendship with a long time pal, Derrick...

It was supposed to be a good day despite coming back home from work in a "down-in-the-gutters" mood. The first thing that happened when I switched on my computer and log into my msn, one guy immediately spoke to me online.. Twas' Jagjit, and he was asking me about the money Derrick owed him for a long time...

Well I felt extremely annoyed about this because Jagjit has been asking me if Derrick did call me and pass me his money. I said "no" and he kept getting worried and shit. I was just trying to help him, he's been chasing for that money for almost a year. He's been asking me about the money for almost a year and naturally I'd get sick and tired of chasing after some money I don't owe. I'd even be willing to help Derrick clear up his debt just to keep that guy's mouth shut, to leave me in peace..

That's when I make a decision and tell Derrick everything one shot: Pay off the money and go, I am tired of chasing after some money I don't owe. I just told him something like that and he was like: Go away, don't lecture me...

Now this is when stuff became real serious, I was angry at the fact that he STILL thinks he's much more superior than me (fact: he's not) and that I am his pet dog. If he quit church I have to follow him or else he'd go became and pissed and shit. So pissed and shit he goes, going around telling everyone "there's no God" and crying over "why can't the Christians be nicer to me? I've done so much for them" or "why is it that people are so blind to acknowledge that there's no God"..

Naturally, I should be the one getting extremely angry. I've managed to get my "rage meter" far longer than I thought I'd last. He brought me to church, tell me to make a lot of friends there, and then left me there for good. When I grew closer to my church friends, he told me to leave. Now he's pointing every single bad thing about our church and claiming that he's "thinking-out-of-the-box"...

Back to the owing money business, so he wanted me to understand that he has "difficulties" (Which I doubt completely), saying he has hard times, his parent no money, he need to pay everything on his own: haircut, school fees, necessities (Complete bullshit). I'd believe him if he said all these with out telling my friend and I to go buffet together. Got money to eat buffet? Got enough money to go clubbing, to buy wax, to raise a pet dog, to own two flats, still can get pocket money from his grandparents, But no money to pay off a simple debt? I may be patient but I've got my own limits, I am not stupid and I am not even his pet dog.

So I told him if he don't want to return his debt is fine, just tell Jagjit, I am sick and tired of coming back from work listening to how Jagjit needs his money back. So he ended up calling me a dick and said "I can't control my frustrations" and therefore we cannot be friends.

Well good riddance I say, some part of me doesn't want him to leave but since he insist, I'd let him go and do whatever he likes (Get AIDS, have sex with random people, get a tattoo, join gang, I don't care anymore, it's none of my business already, he asked for it). I thought: "no point threading on an unstable friendship and pinning all my hopes anyway"..

I thought we could still be friends even if our belief system is different. That he would stay within his boundary and not hurt me at all, to think we'd stay out of talking about each other's belief. Well I was naive enough to expect all this from a jerk who no longer see what's right and wrong anymore and hellbent on pulling all my church mates down with him..

Joke of the day: He ended his last message saying he'd delete me from his MSN (Hey that's awesome, no more shitty "Hurrr God is not real look at the bible it's contradicting LOL" and also state that "to think i actually organized a buffet out of goodwill". If he has any goodwill left in him just return the damn money he owe then...

Since he don't want to be my friend then fine, it would have been better if he didn't backslide. He would have been a better friend, a better person. I am going to miss all the good memories. Bad time to be reminiscing.. My leader was right when he said I shouldn't be mixing with him since he has turned into someone I don't recognize anymore...

Back in my workplace, whenever I am bored, I always start to reflect on whatever events that occurred to me. Job in there is easy and repetitive anyway, so I can dwell into some deep thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder: do I really have so much friends back in Secondary school? From the way some treated me, I don't think they are pretty much qualified to be called friends at all. Take for instance, I could call Newel and his clique my "friends", but we don't really talk much at all, the only thing we've ever talked about is "backstabbing Sherman". Of course, that's when I just play along with it and just say "ya, ya" to it but didn't actually mean it (well, most of them at least).. I did that to the point when Sherman knew about this, he avoided me and let me join the clique. I joined the clique and I have absolutely nothing to talk about because no one even bothered about me there.

Another example is Wei Kien's clique (From my school), yeah they could come up with the best jokes ever and even become a clown of the class themselves. However, everyone of them always gang up on me and mock my religion. I have to tolerate it by playing "Mr.Nice Guy" with them just to get close with them. In the end? It obviously failed, Wei Kien is hellbent on mocking my religion so as the other clowns.

The people I truly consider as my Secondary school friends are actually just a few individuals who nobody actually cares about: Kelvin, Sherman, Yew Liang, Chee Chai and Chong Hui. However the irony is this: While I still maintain contact with Kelvin, Sherman and at least try to contact Chong Hui, I never did talk to the other 2 much even in school.

To the people whom I've mentioned: Before you have any smart comments to make, I want to state my purpose of this post. It is to make you think, whether I should still treat you any better for all the burdens you've laid upon me. While I've tried everything to come closer to all of you, to the expense that I even had to sell off one of my friendship once, when I am in trouble (as in suffering from bitterness after all the crap I've endured, not helping out with maths homework and stuff), when did anyone other than who I truly considered friends come to my rescue? I don't even remember any event like that. I spent my time being pushed around by a bunch of people who think it is funny to bully the "different one" and all of you just watch me grief.

Alright! Finally some time to update my blog a little...

O level's over, the interviewer finally called, and I've got myself a temporary job already [Thank God!]

While I am relieved I've gotten myself a job, the job is really easy but extremely repititive and boring. The pay is nice though, I can get a new computer by 7Th January and I can spend some of my money on clothes [and of course, 10% for tithing]. Also I am in no position to reveal what I do in my job so I can't say a thing about what I do inside [Sorry readers...]

That's it about my job, now let's talk about my church camp. I must it's by far one of the best church camp I've been, it's got some fun games, I got to know a few people that I didn't knew though I've seen them a few times before. There's one particular sermon in that camp where everyone was asked to close their eyes and ask God to give them a vision of who they are going to be next. It's powerful! [The preacher was Pastor Glyn btw]

I saw a few images when I closed my eye, one particular image that appeared first and disturbed me the most was that of a vulture flying in the air, it has no meat on its neck and the left arm. My interpretation of that image is: Maybe God is trying to tell me that I might get injury on my left arm (Yeah my left arm is already fractured) and my neck, but still no matter what injuries I got, I will still be flying freely.

The second image was completely nonsense because I was not focusing on asking God for a vision but rather thinking about a pretty lady in church, and God being a joker, made me think of a image of my female self, and I started to get freaked out and went back to focus on God (The image is most disturbing of all image, but I lol'd after remembering it)

The third and last image was my older self, slightly taller, spiky haired, dressed in a office-styled type of clothing sitting in front of a computer on a office cubicle, my "self" turned around and smiled. My interpretation is this: Perhaps I am going to work in a office like this in the future, working in front of an computer may suggest that I might be a business man or a software engineer, anything that has got to do with staying in an office. The image of my older self turning and smiling suggests that I am happy with my job. Still the information about what I am going to do in the future remains rather misty [What am I going to do in front of the computer? accounting? hacking?] but the most likely thing I am going to do is maybe be a software engineer or something, since I believe God gave me a talent in this and that I am using it to the fullest.

The rest of the sermons were good too, about how I should be treating God, how do I should remember the good things God has done and stuff. $75 for a camp like this is definitely worth it!

Now to update you guys about my cellgroup, everything's cool, except I am in the planning committee for the Christmas party. Expectations were high and budget was low. We were expected to get new utensils, plates and foods [I am in charge of food btw and I must say it's really difficult]. We still have to think about how we are going to present our food. Despite all these negativity, I've still managed to think of something positive [I am going to eat them in the end, if I do well it's going to be a great christmas party for me and everyone else...] Party's on the 23rd if I am not wrong, everyone's invited =D

Last but not least, here's some picture I've drawn in MSpaint during my free time while I was out of job:


CL4P-TP aka Clap-Trap from Borderlands [Click here for comparison]


Random Anon

The longer the updates, the more I am gonna say, stay tuned!